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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27451708">T'Pol and Jonathan - In the Pale Moonlight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bbblaney77/pseuds/Bbblaney77'>Bbblaney77</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Enterprise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>... and possibly common sense, ...As well as the spacetime continuum, ...Okay the author might regret one or two things, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author has taken liberties with Katras and souls, F/M, Gen, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, The Author Regrets Nothing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:23:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,914</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27451708</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bbblaney77/pseuds/Bbblaney77</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jonathan isn't sure how much more he and his crew can lose before he's completely broken... and that's not even counting the "rumors" about commander T'Pol and commander Tucker.</p><p>-------------------------<br/>“But the most damning thing of all… If we pull this off…”<br/>“I think, I could live with it…”<br/>“And If I had to do it all over again… I would.”<br/>“Because, in the end, the blackened soul, guilty conscience, and broken heart of one Starfleet captain…. It’s a small price to pay for the safety of my home… my people.”<br/>-------------------------</p><p>Inspired by maybe my all time favorite star trek episode, Deep Space Nine's "In the Pale Moonlight."<br/>There seems to be a few similarities between Captain Sisko during the battles with the Maquis rebels and Dominion War / and Captain Archer during the Xindi war.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jonathan Archer &amp; Charles "Trip" Tucker III, Jonathan Archer &amp; Phlox, Jonathan Archer &amp; T'Pol, Jonathan Archer/T'Pol, Phlox &amp; Charles "Trip" Tucker III, T'Pol &amp; Charles "Trip" Tucker III</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Jonathan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>To paraphrase Adam Savage... "I reject your canon and substitute my own."</p><p>However my T'Pol/Jonathan loving Muse won't let me write a story without including them</p><p>Set before Harbinger, however is slightly AU especially after Twilight.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Computer begin recording. Captain’s personal log, December… December…”</p><p>“Computer what is today’s date?”</p><p>(Beep heard as the date is shown on the monitor)</p><p>“December 17<sup>th</sup>, 2153.… It’s almost Christmas. Huh, fitting that I would be thinking of just how much more I’ll… we’ll have to sacrifice to make this mission a success.”</p><p>“I need to talk about this. I have to justify what's happened... what I've done... at least to myself.”</p><p>“I can't talk to anyone else... even T’Pol, especially not T’Pol… I can’t burden her with this. Maybe if I just lay it all out, in my log, it'll finally make sense...”</p><p>(scoff)</p><p>“Yeah, I doubt it, but I do need to talk about it.”</p><p>“The end of the year is almost here. I… god, how much more will I have to give up, how much more darkness can my soul take.”</p><p>(Sigh)</p><p>“I’m not one to agonize about a decision. I know that once it’s done… it’s done. I can’t go back to change it, so why worry.”</p><p>“But this time, the cost of failure is so high…”</p><p>(Deep sigh)</p><p>“I used to be able to talk to T’Pol… Sub commander… sorry, commander T’Pol. I made her battlefield commission official last week.”</p><p>“I couldn’t stay… god how screwed up is that. I pinned the pips on her uniform and seeing the happy look in commander Tucker’s eyes…. I congratulated her and made my escape.”</p><p>“As I did, I swear I felt someone watching me, but I was too much of a coward, to look back. I went to the command center to study. I think I spend more time there than anywhere else….”</p><p>“I can’t… I can’t subject my people, my friends to this darkness, I feel growing in my soul. I can’t bring them down… dammit, this is my personal log. I can’t bring <em>her</em> down, I love <em>her</em> to much….”</p><p>“Yeah, me Jonathan Archer, the man who had a chip the size of Enterprise, about Vulcans.”</p><p>“I fell in love, with my first officer over a year ago…. I always knew that the titles of Captain and First officer would keep us apart….”</p><p>“But I thought and hoped, there would be time for us… after Enterprise.”</p><p>“However, I’d been hearing rumors about the commanders and I didn’t want to believe it. But I heard Trip… commander Tucker talking to Mr. Reed. Apparently T’P… Commander T’Pol had been performing Vulcan Neuro-Pressure on him to help him sleep and… he seems to be developing feelings for her.”</p><p>“I know that Vulcan’s are touch telepaths… T’Pol would probably be surprised, at how much I learned about her people, after I realized the extent of my feelings for her. I know how important her traditions… her way of life, is to her. I had hoped that would make her happy… at least happy for a Vulcan.”</p><p>“As I was saying, if he’s developing feelings for her then she must know and be receptive to them. I, god….”</p><p>(deep breath)</p><p>“Before this suicide mission… no I can’t think like that, the crew, is counting on me to get us through this. And the human race… our people are counting on us… hell if whomever the hell Daniels is, if he’s right, the whole future is resting on my shoulders.”</p><p>“I just wanted to explore, to see what was beyond the stars. However, I can’t let my people, my race die. So, I, we push on.”</p><p>“I keep circling back to my first officer, when I’m on duty. I can put it aside. Ha… the irony being I learned from her, how to compartmentalize everything. But off duty… if there is such a thing, for a captain, especially one on a mission as important as this one.”</p><p>“I have nightmares… that I expected, and if that was it, it would be bad enough.”</p><p>“But ever since we ran into that spatial anomaly and I had to help commander T’Pol get her trapped leg out.”</p><p>“I’ve been having dreams. Dreams of a life with her, waking up with her by my side. Her beauty only growing as she gets older. I dreamed we had a child, a little girl. I dreamed…”</p><p>(clearing of someone’s throat)</p><p>“I dreamed about a life, a life I’ve been wanting for the last year.”</p><p>“It’s worse than the nightmares, because it seems so real, not like a dream, but like memories… god I don’t understand.”</p><p>“What I wouldn’t give to hear her softly call me by my given name… just like in my dreams. But I’ll only ever be the <em>captain,</em> not <em>Jonathan,</em> not even <em>her</em> captain… just <em>the</em> captain, nothing more to her.”</p><p>(long pause of dead air)</p><p>“I guess, I should get into the reason I’m talking about it now…. Yesterday, I was in my ready room, working on paperwork when my door chimed. There is usually only one person it could be, most everyone else has avoided coming to me. I have heard the names ‘airlock Archer’ or my favorite ‘asshole Archer.’”</p><p>“I told them to enter…”</p><p>------------ (Flashback) -------------</p><p>T’Pol entered the captain’s ready room. “Captain…”</p><p>“What can I do for you commander?” Archer asked, trying not to look at her too much, but can’t ignore her. He looked up and saw the worry she’s feeling.</p><p>“I’m growing concerned about you, captain.”</p><p>Jon would have smiled, loving her directness, but he can’t. “What do you mean? This is a difficult mission for all of us, commander.”</p><p>“That’s another thing. You don’t call me by my name anymore…”</p><p>“I didn’t realize that was a concern for you.”</p><p>“But you admit that you’re doing it…”</p><p>“Yes, I just need… I felt it best to separate…. I think it would be easier for all of us, if I just called you commander, from now on. Besides I’ve never heard you call me anything other than ‘captain’, even off duty. It would be only logical for me to do the same. Wouldn’t you agree?”</p><p>“I, don’t know… I call you captain because that’s what you are…”</p><p>Jon felt his heart actually ache when she said that, that he’ll only ever be the captain… nothing more. “Yes, and I felt it best to do the same.”</p><p>“Is that also true of commander Tucker?”</p><p>“Have you two been comparing notes on me?” Jon asked with as much lightheartedness as he could muster.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Jon looked down to work on his PADD so she wouldn’t see the pain and hurt in his eyes. “Well, this mission requires our utmost, and I think I should try to separate myself a little, from the rest of the crew. I know we all have our burdens and troubles sleeping.” Jon winced mentally; he didn’t mean to mention that.</p><p>“If you are having troubles sleeping…”</p><p>“Commander, I’d feel pretty safe in saying, most of us are having trouble sleeping.” ‘except maybe the two of you… <em>Don’t go there, please, don’t push it.’</em></p><p>“Have you talked to Dr. Phlox?”</p><p>“I don’t like sleeping aids, and I can’t use them. I can’t be so deeply asleep, that I miss an emergency. Nor can I be groggy, when I do wake up. Too much is riding on my shoulders… this crew’s shoulders.”</p><p>“I might have a solution…”</p><p>“No offence commander, but I doubt you would have time to do that.”</p><p>“…”</p><p>“I assume you are talking about Neuro-Pressure?”</p><p>“Yes, how did you know?”</p><p>“There isn’t much that happens on this ship, that I don’t find out about. Anyway, like I said, I doubt you have time to do that. Besides, your duties are more important than making sure I get a full 8 hours… plus I wouldn’t want to interrupt your private time.”</p><p>“I…”</p><p>“Commander, I sincerely appreciate you doing your duty as the ship’s first officer, but I’ll be okay. I’m just adjusting to everything… like everyone.”</p><p>Jonathan watches as she seems to be lost in her head, for a few minutes, that concerns him. When he sees that she’s aware. He asks, “Commander, maybe I should ask you, if <em>you</em> are okay.”</p><p>“I’m fine, captain. I just haven’t had a lot of opportunities to meditate…”</p><p>Jon growing a little more concerned. “Would you like to take the time now? To go, and do that? We seem to be alone right now and not due for a week at our next location.”</p><p>“No, I’ll just take some extra time to meditate this evening.”</p><p>“Okay, but if you change your mind, just let me know. I don’t want you to suffer, you are important to… the crew.” Jon almost said <em>me</em> but changed it. “Anyway, I should get back to this paperwork. So, if there’s nothing else?”</p><p>“Uh, no I don’t believe so. Captain.” </p><p>Jon watched out of the corner of his eyes, as she seems to reluctantly leave.</p><p>--------------- (End Flashback) -------------</p><p>“I didn’t expect anything more to come of that conversation. However today….”</p><p>(deep sigh)</p><p>“From what I understand, T’Pol, asked commander Tucker about me, and told him about our conversation. I believe she’s trying to understand what’s changed.”</p><p>“I wish they had left it alone.”</p><p>(Deep sigh, followed by a moment of dead air)</p><p>“After another night in the command center, trying to make sense of the information we’ve gathered from Degra, the primary weapon designer.”</p><p>(Deep sigh)</p><p>“I made my way back here to get a few fitful hours of sleep, when I could hardly keep my eyes open.”</p><p>“I arrived for my shift early, like I’ve been doing lately. As captain I’ve always tried to be a little early for my shift, but not as early has I’ve been lately.”</p><p>“Part of it is I worry that something could happen, if I’m not there. But mostly it’s because I can’t seem to get more than a few hours of sleep.”</p><p>“When I wake up, it’s either gasping for breath due to a nightmare… or worse, happy because of the dreams with T’Pol… it hurts when I wake up alone in a cold empty room.”</p><p>“I made my way into my ready room and contacted Chef asking him to have someone bring me some toast.”</p><p>“I find my appetite isn’t what it used to be. Somedays, I have a hard time even finishing that.”</p><p>“I’ve been avoiding the captain’s mess as much as I can. I don’t want to see the two commanders in a private setting, if I can help it.”</p><p>“Over the years I’ve gotten pretty good at reading T’Pol. And Trip has never been a mystery…. I don’t want to see the beginnings of their relationship.”</p><p>(Deep sigh, followed by a short time of dead air)</p><p>“Anyway, about midway through the morning. Commander Tucker came to the bridge. I was all set to head to my ready room, so I can avoid seeing him flirt with commander T’Pol.”</p><p>“He’d started doing that much more seriously, the last couple of weeks. I’m not sure she realizes it or not.”</p><p>“However, a look at commander Tuckers face he seems upset and a little mad.”</p><p>“That’s not a look I’ve seen in a while. I had assumed that something happened in engineering, and he needed to talk to me about it. So, I wasn’t surprised when he asked to speak to me privately.”</p><p>-------------- (Flashback) --------------</p><p>“That’s fine commander Tucker, my ready room. Commander T’Pol, you have the bridge.”</p><p>“Yes captain.”</p><p>Jonathan heard a tone from her, he’s not sure he’d ever heard from her before.</p><p>He looks over and sees an uneasy look on her face as she looks at Tucker.</p><p>He shook it off and turned to head to his ready room. He could feel Tucker behind him.</p><p>As they get into the room, Jon walked around to sit down. “What seems to be the trouble?”</p><p>“You are…”</p><p>That surprised Jon, “Me? What about me?”</p><p>“I don’t understand, why you are pulling away from everyone. And T’Pol is worried about you, and you hurt her feelings….”</p><p>“Hold on, wait, what are you talking about?”</p><p>“She told me that you are…” Tucker seem to stop and mentally withdraw.</p><p>“I am <em>what?</em>” Jon asked, but he can feel his own anger starting to build.</p><p>“She… and I don’t see you as much as we used to.”</p><p>“Commander Tucker, I have a lot of things going on. I am doing my best to make sure this mission is successful.”</p><p>“Bullshit, you are avoiding us.”</p><p>“So, what if I am… let me ask you something?”</p><p>Jon waited until he received a nod.</p><p>“Would this conversation have been last night, when you were in her quarters. In an intimate setting, performing Neuro-pressure?”</p><p>To say that Tucker was surprised would be an understatement.</p><p>“Are you spying on us? How could you…!”</p><p>Jon let his own anger simmer and waited until Tucker finished speaking. “No, I would never spy on you or her. You really should pay more attention to your surroundings, when you talk to Mr. Reed, about your private time. Especially when it’s against the rules.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“The fraternization rules.”</p><p>“What about it?”</p><p>Jon shook his head, either Tucker doesn’t know how it works, or he’s ignoring it. “You do know that she is the first officer, correct?”</p><p>When he received a nod, he continued, “That means she’s your direct supervisor. Just because you usually report to me, the rules clearly state that on this ship, she’s the supervisor of everyone, but me.”</p><p>Jon could see the argument brewing in Tucker’s eyes, so Jon held up his hand to forestall anything. “Having said that, I’ve known about this for some time, and was planning to not say or do anything. All I ask, is you both keep it out of the public place… I don’t want to know.”</p><p>“So why does that mean, you need to pull away…” Jon could see Trip trying to figure it out.</p><p>“I told you, this mission is important… and some of us don’t get the luxury of having help with the stress. I have the entire mission, the ship and her crews’ lives, riding on my shoulders. I can’t afford to make any mistakes. I can’t afford to be distracted by things that I can’t change…” ‘damn, Jon thought, his anger is making him say things he didn’t want to say.’ Jon mentally winced at how loud his voice got knowing with her hearing T’Pol could likely hear what he’d said. He needs to end this conversation soon.</p><p>“You like… no you love her, don’t you?” Tucker suddenly said, looking intently at Jon.</p><p>Jon couldn’t help the flinch that came. He’d not been expecting anyone to pick up on that. Jon stood and turned away, to look out of the window. He quietly said, “It doesn’t matter.”</p><p>He should have denied it… but he’s so tired and worn down, he couldn’t even fight it anymore.</p><p>“Yes, it does… why didn’t you say anything? I know you Jon, you don’t fall easy. How long?”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter. Is there anything else, besides that, you wanted to speak about? No, then dismissed commander.”</p><p>“Jon…”</p><p>“I said <em>dismissed</em> commander.”</p><p>After a little while, Jon heard Trip softly say “I’m so sorry Jon.” Then walk out the door.</p><p>---------------- (End Flashback) --------------</p><p>“I sat back down after commander Tucker left the room. My thoughts all over the place. I can’t believe he was able to read me so easily.”</p><p>“No that doesn’t surprise me, he’d been my friend for a long time, and he’d been able to read me as well as I can read him.”</p><p>“I had no idea what he planned to do with that information.”</p><p>“Having said that, what he appeared to do still surprised me…”</p><p>-------------- (Flashback) ----------------</p><p>Jon sat in his ready room for half an hour just looking out his window watching the stars streak past. Then he turned to finish up the paperwork he had for the day.</p><p>It was at her usual time when commander T’Pol contacted him to let him know she was going to lunch.</p><p>That caused another flash of pain, lately she’d been asking if he would join her… but not today. She must have been told about the conversation he had with Tucker.</p><p>Not that he could blame him. Jon has had to stifle several jealous urges when others have shown an interest in T’Pol. He can’t very well expect Trip not to have the same thing.</p><p>He just acknowledged her, with as normal a voice as he could muster.</p><p>He continued to do busy work. Waiting until T’Pol was back on the bridge then he’d make his escape to the command center.</p><p>He’s not likely to be bothered there. Most everyone seems to avoid the room when he’s there.</p><p>He sees how crewmembers will silently walk by heads down. Or some will stop and turn the other way.</p><p>That had hurt, at first, but after a while, he’d grown used to it.</p><p>Somedays it doesn’t even bother him much anymore… somedays.</p><p>Right before Jon was about to head to the command center. He hasn’t even bothered to lie saying he’s going to get lunch anymore.</p><p>Besides Jon knows if they need to get ahold of him, they would need to know where he is.</p><p>“Phlox to Captain Archer…”</p><p>“Archer here.” Jon wondered what this is about, as far as he knows the sick bay is empty. He hadn’t been told of any injuries.</p><p>However, Jon is doing his best to avoid the doctor. He knows that if the doctor knew just how much he’d been skipping eating and sleeping… this mission is all he has left.</p><p>He’s sacrificing everything for it.</p><p>If that gets taken away….</p><p>“Captain I need to see you in sickbay, as soon as possible.”</p><p>“What’s this in regard of doctor?” Jon knows that the good doctor won’t fall for it, and the doctor can override him… the only one on the ship who can.</p><p>“It’s regarding the well fair of a crewmember.”</p><p>“Very well, I’ll be there shortly.” Jon closed the channel and took a deep breath; he doesn’t buy the vagueness of the reason. Jon is very sure someone has informed the doctor, likely either of the commanders.</p><p>Jon wanted to be upset at whomever, but he knows that if he were in their shoes, he would do the same thing.</p><p>However, he can’t run, because there is a small chance it could be about someone else. But even if it’s not, he… can’t ignore his doctor.</p><p>Jon took a few seconds to breathe deep and try to shake off his current mood. He can’t show his crew just how much he’s hurting.</p><p>“What’s the old expression… ‘Never let them see you bleed.’” Jon mutters to himself as he gets up to head to sickbay.</p><p>He walks out and glances over to the science station. She’s there, she glances up and he looks away before he can try to figure out what she’s thinking. “Commander, I’ve been called to sickbay.”</p><p>“Very well captain.”</p><p>Jon can hear a hint of surprise in her voice. He takes that to mean she’s not the one to talk to Phlox, come to think about it, here lately she’s been a little distant to Phlox as well.</p><p>Jon sets that to the side as he heads to the turbolift. He looks back and for just a split second the pain and longing he’s feeling, shows on his face as he looks at her.</p><p>He’s thankful that Mr. Reed wasn’t paying attention since he’s the only one that could see.</p><p>He heads to sickbay and walks in. He so badly wanted to take his time, but he’s the captain, he can’t put it off.</p><p>“Doctor?”</p><p>“Ah captain please come in.”</p><p>“If it’s all the same I’ll stand here, what did you need?” Jon knows from sickbay being empty that his concerns are right, this is about him.</p><p>“But captain… I would rather have this conversation in private…”</p><p>“Doctor, there isn’t anyone else here, so just say what you want to say, so I can get back to work.” Jon said trying to keep the anger out of his voice. He keeps telling himself that the doctor is his friend and is concerned about him. The doctor is doing his duty, just as he’d counted on him to do for the last three years.</p><p>“Very well, it has come to my attention that you have been neglecting yourself. You have been pushing yourself to hard and withdrawing from your friends and support…”</p><p>“So?”</p><p>“I don’t understand, you need support you need to eat and sleep and to reduce your stress…”</p><p>“What did commander Tucker tell you?”</p><p>“I, uh…”</p><p>“Doctor I’m not an idiot, it could have only been one of two people on this ship.”</p><p>“Actually, several crewmembers have approached me about their concerns for you.”</p><p>“Okay, well in case you might not have noticed, we are literally in the fight for our lives. We have to succeed in this mission. Or my home, my people will pay for it. I don’t have time to hold hands and talk about feelings. I can’t dwell on things… I can’t change.”</p><p>“Regardless captain, you need to take better care of yourself. Before I’m forced to remove you from command.”</p><p>“Doctor… I do understand your concerns and I will do my best to… take care of myself, but let me ask you something in all honesty between you and I…”</p><p>Jon continues after Phlox nods looking a little perplexed.</p><p>“Okay, so I’m very well aware that you can override me in certain matters, but what if I refuse to do it? With my race, hell if Daniels is to be believed, the future is in the balance. Do you think Star Fleet command is going to care, if I lose myself, on this mission? As long as it gets completed.</p><p>“I… uh…” Jon saw almost panic on his face as Phlox realized what he’d said might actually be true.</p><p>“Look Phlox, I know you are doing your job. I know we are friends. I’m not planning on ignoring your medical orders… I just, I can’t fail, and if we succeed and I can get everyone home… then it’d be worth whatever price I’d have to pay. Even if the crew hates me, even if T’P… even if my senior staff can’t stand me, by the time this is over. I won’t care if I get put in the brig and they threw away the key.”</p><p>Jon shakes his head softly. “I have to do what I think will best complete the mission. I have to keep my crew… my friends from following me into the darkness. So please, take care of my crew, but don’t worry about me.”</p><p>Jon didn’t wait, he turned to walk out of the room. He headed to the command center.</p><p>He shook his head; he’d once again, said to much. The doctor probably thinks he’s suicidal now. But it can’t be helped.</p><p>As soon as he reaches the command center. He contacts Hoshi and lets her know he’s in the command center if he’s needed.</p><p>“Hoshi, are you going to be busy later?”</p><p>“Not that I planned on?”</p><p>“Could you stop by my quarters and walk Porthos later. I’m going to be busy here.”</p><p>“Uh, sure, I guess.” Jon could hear the hesitation in her voice.</p><p>“Thanks, if you are busy, just let me know.” Jon asked, he’d mastered, sounding like he used to when talking to his crew.</p><p>Jon hung his head as he sat down in front of the displays and just let go for a few moments. He feels trapped and knows it’s all his fault.</p><p>Everything that’s happened is on him. His feelings for her is on him.</p><p>Hell, if what Daniels said is true, the Xindi attacking earth might as well be his fault too.</p><p>He’s not sure how much more weight his shoulders can take.</p><p>Knowing that the doctor is monitoring him, but more than that, he told Phlox, he’d try to take better care of himself. And no matter how black his soul gets; he wants to at least be known for keeping his word.</p><p>He orders a light supper from the galley, it’s early but if he has it around, he can nibble on it, through out the evening.</p><p>Who knows, he might be able to eat more then he usually does, that way.</p><p>He starts to study the data, and only stops when the crewman brings him the food. Jon thanks him and does his best to put the crewmen at ease.</p><p>To act like he used to before this mission.</p><p>As the crewmen left, Jon’s smile dropped and he again muttered to himself, as he turned back to the display. “Never let them see you bleed.”</p><p>--------------- (End Flashback) ----------------</p><p>“I wish…”</p><p>(Deep sigh)</p><p>“I wish they hadn’t pushed it… I was okay pretending I was fine, with them doing whatever they wanted, in their private time. I just don’t want to know. I could continue trying to ignore it that way. Not that it wasn’t painfully clear to see. Not that I can’t… not listen to what’s going on, on my ship. I need to know, regardless of how much it kills me.”</p><p>“I do miss them; I miss having dinner with them. I miss talking to her, discussing… debating anything and everything. I think… no I know, her intelligence is one of several reasons I love her.”</p><p>“God, I miss her so much…”</p><p>“I miss my friendship with Trip to.”</p><p>“I should just tell Trip, that I just can’t be around them, right now, it’s to raw and painful. This mission is to important.”</p><p>“I can’t, not right now, maybe after, if we all survive this… god I hope we all survive this.”</p><p>“I’m not sure how many more of my crew, my people… I can lose, before I’m completely broken.”</p><p>“I’ve found myself doing things I would never have done before. I’ve put someone in the airlock and started to depressurize it so they would give me information.”</p><p>“I’ve messed with another man’s head to also get information, then erased what we’d… what <em>I’d</em> done to him. As I played like we’d been friends.”</p><p>“I ordered a clone made of commander Tucker… of one of my oldest friends, just so we could harvest a body part to get him back.”</p><p>“I’ve allowed my crew, my friends to be put in dangerous situations just on the off chance it might lead to the weapon… that is likely a suicide for us all.”</p><p>“I had to destroy a ship of Vulcans and couldn’t do anything to save them. I was barely able to save T’Pol… god, that is one of the worst nightmares, hearing the screams of the Vulcans and knowing that she could have been one of them.”</p><p>“God… if I lose her… It would break me, for sure.”</p><p>“Well I guess I have lost her, but at least now she’s still here, I can still be near her, blessing and curse that it is. As long as she’s… happy, well for her, then I can’t and won’t interfere.”</p><p>(Long space of dead air)</p><p>“They say the road to hell, is paved with good intentions…”</p><p>“I’d say I’ve now paved quite a bit, of my road to hell.”</p><p>“But I’d committed myself… I’d pay any <em>price</em>, go any <em>lengths</em> to save my home…”</p><p>“Because my intentions… were good, and in the beginning…. I thought that would be enough….”</p><p>“But… I’ve lied, I’ve cheated… and I’m sure if need be, I’ll steal. But I have to finish this mission.”</p><p>“I have to keep my eye on the ball, stop the weapon, save my home. The human race, my people, are counting on it.”</p><p>“So, I push on. And every time another doubt, appears before me. Every time I have to commit another action that blackens my soul…”</p><p>“I just find another way, to shove it aside.”</p><p>“I am, <em>at best</em>, an accessory to crimes I would have, had anyone else arrested for.”</p><p>(Long space of dead air)</p><p>“But the most damning thing of all… If we pull this off…”</p><p>“I <em>think</em>, I could live with it…”</p><p>“And If I had to do it all over again… I would.”</p><p>“Because, in the end, the blackened soul, guilty conscience, and broken heart of one Starfleet captain…. It’s a small price to pay for the safety of my home… my people.”</p><p>“So, I <em>will </em>learn to live with it…”</p><p>“Because I <em>can</em> live with it…”</p><p>“I can…”</p><p>“Computer… erase that entire personal log.”</p><p>(Beep, then a blank screen)</p><p>------------------------------</p><p>Jon set down, the empty glass that held the whiskey, he’d been sipping while doing his log. He only allows himself one glass. Anymore, and it would be too easy to not stop.</p><p>He has a job to do.</p><p>He reached over to rub Porthos’s head. “Sorry boy, I can’t stay… I have to go back to the command center. I just, I needed to talk about it.”</p><p>He got up and feeling far older than his physical age, he walked towards the door.</p><p>He almost didn’t register the bathroom door open.</p><p>But he felt her and heard her softly call out. “<em>Jonathan</em>…”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Trip and Phlox</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>For a long moment Trip wanted to be selfish.</p>
<p>But he'd already lost his sister to this madness, he can't lose his brother as well.</p>
<p>---------------<br/>Phlox had two thoughts running through his head as the captain exited sickbay...</p>
<p>'What have I done?' and 'How did I miss so much?'</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>------------ (Trip) ------------</p>
<p>Trip didn’t know what to expect, when he confronted Jon about what’s been happening.</p>
<p>He knew that last night, T’Pol had been distracted and had called the session off….</p>
<p>He pushed as gently as he could, to find out what was wrong.</p>
<p>He almost wished he’d not asked, after she told him about the conversation, she’d had with Jon.</p>
<p>Trip left her quarters more unsettled then usual, he’d been doing his best to ignore the signs from Jon.</p>
<p>He just wanted to complete the mission and spend time with T’Pol.</p>
<p>So, it was with some trepidation that he walked onto the bridge. He was almost staggered by the amount of gloom, in the room. But he pushed through.</p>
<p>He noticed right after asking to speak to Jon privately, that T’Pol became very uneasy. Like she’s worried about something.</p>
<p>But what, he’s not sure, surely not about him.</p>
<p>No, he watched her glance at the back of the captain. There was a hint of sadness and concern in her eyes.</p>
<p>Trip didn’t realize it until much later… but that look of concern for Jon, was more then she’d ever given him.</p>
<p>------------------------</p>
<p>Trip never one to beat around the bush, let Jon know right away why he was there.</p>
<p>Trip was beyond surprised, at first, that Jon knew about the sessions. He reacted in anger, and he realized a bit of jealousy on his part.</p>
<p>However, as Jon ‘explained’ why he’d not said anything. Trip watched him; they had been friends for years. Trip knows how Jon thinks, it made them a great team in the beginning.</p>
<p>Now, Jon is all but withdrawn completely from everyone.</p>
<p>Trip can see, this is more than just about the pressure from the mission.</p>
<p>That made Trip’s heart ache at how much he’d missed, when it came to one of his closest friends… or at least used to be.</p>
<p>No there is more to it.</p>
<p>He finally realized a few things, when Jon told him, that he couldn’t afford to think about things he ‘couldn’t change’, suddenly Trip realized that for all the pressure… Jon had continued trying to be around them, until the sessions became known.</p>
<p>After that, Jon avoided them both like the plague.</p>
<p>Trip’s statement about Jon being in love with T’Pol, seem to hit him, like a torpedo.</p>
<p>Trip expected a denial or something… anything other then the flinch.</p>
<p>Seeing Jon deflate and pull away, is something Trip never thought he’d see, from one of the strongest men he knows.</p>
<p>Trip was seriously considering pushing more, but he can easily read, his old friend’s body language. Even as his back is turned to him, staring out the window. He can see how tense Jon’s body is right now.</p>
<p>He knows that Jon is hurting and mad. Not to mention the amount of stress he must be under.</p>
<p>Trip felt guilty, he didn’t even consider the amount of pressure, this mission has had on Jon. If there’s one thing he knows about him, it’s how important being captain of the ship is to him.</p>
<p>Trip knows how much he himself is stressing from his job, and the pressure to save their people.</p>
<p>He couldn’t even imagine, how much worse it is for Jon.</p>
<p>On top of all that… loving a woman that he can’t be with.</p>
<p>Trip is well aware of the fraternization rules, and he had made sure it wouldn’t apply to him.</p>
<p>He tried to avoid getting into relationships with crewmembers.</p>
<p>He talks a good game, but he’s very aware of his position on the ship.</p>
<p>He never expected to develop feelings for T’Pol, sure he’d always known she is a very beautiful woman.</p>
<p>But she’s been… he hated to call it cold… no, disinterested, but that is the closest he can come up with.</p>
<p>Whenever he thought about it, he figured that they are both the same rank. The fact that she is the first officer and in charge whenever Jon is gone, he didn’t think about or ignored.</p>
<p>He’d noticed that since they started doing the sessions, they seem to become closer. He can sometimes swear when they are touching, he can feel something from her.</p>
<p>He’d never asked her, for fear that she would stop.</p>
<p>He’d heard rumors that Vulcans are somewhat telepathic.</p>
<p>However, all that doesn’t matter. Trip realized that Jon’s had feelings for T’Pol and has for some time.</p>
<p>He’s not surprised that Jon didn’t try to stop them. He knows Jon would never stand in the way of someone else’s happiness, even at the expense of his own.</p>
<p>He’s got a lot to think about. He looked up to see Jon still standing rigidly, staring out the window.</p>
<p>Trip decided to leave and hope to salvage what’s left of their friendship.</p>
<p>He quietly said, “I’m so sorry Jon.” Then he turned to walk out, of the ready room.</p>
<p>He walked past T’Pol at her science station. He didn’t do more than glance at her, when he knows she’s watching him, trying to determine what happened.</p>
<p>That’s when he thought about the other side of the equation.</p>
<p>How does T’Pol feel about this, if he’s honest with himself, based on the history between both Jon and T’Pol.</p>
<p>As well as the distress he could hear in her voice, when she talked about the conversation, she’d had with him yesterday. He believes she might have similar feelings for Jon.</p>
<p>-------------------</p>
<p>For a long moment, Trip wanted to be selfish.</p>
<p>Jon had decided, to not act on his feelings, and he thinks that with enough time T’Pol might develop feelings for him instead.</p>
<p>However, the amount of pain he’s seen in Jon’s eyes and can hear in his voice. He can’t do that to his friend… no they are brothers.</p>
<p>He’d already lost a sister to this madness; he won’t lose his brother as well.</p>
<p>It’s not worth it, especially something that wouldn’t even be a sure thing.</p>
<p>As it stands, if he was to bet, on the chances of T’Pol having stronger feelings for either himself or Jon… he’s pretty sure he’d lose.</p>
<p>He should have listened to his instincts, when the doctor first spoke to both him and T’Pol about the Neuro-pressure sessions.</p>
<p>He could see how uneasy she was about them, and when she stated they are reserved for bondmates… or spouses.</p>
<p>After the slight thrill, of being alone with a very beautiful woman in an intimate setting subsided. He realized that she is his friend, and this makes her uncomfortable.</p>
<p>Yet the doctor persisted, and they both agreed. She more reluctantly then he did.</p>
<p>-----------------------</p>
<p>That’s it, he’s going to go talk to Phlox and ask for another option. He’ll send a message to T’Pol later, stating he can’t in good conscience, continue their sessions.</p>
<p>He felt a little bit of relive, when he made his decision.</p>
<p>A small part of him had always felt that his developing feelings, were somehow betraying someone.</p>
<p>He had refused to look to deeply into it, content to have that time in an intimate setting, with a beautiful woman.</p>
<p>Even if nothing ever happened.</p>
<p>He knows now, that even if he’d not thought about it, consciously. He’d known that those feelings of betrayal were about Jon.</p>
<p>That’s the only reason he can think of, that he’d not confronted Jon about his withdrawing from them.</p>
<p>He felt shame, at how long it had taken him to recognize, just how much Jon is hurting.</p>
<p>Because he didn’t want to deal with the fact, that he’d known, or at least suspected, that Jon harbored deeper feelings for T’Pol.</p>
<p>And if he was to continue to be honest, he suspects that she harbors the same feelings for Jon.</p>
<p>Jon had gone out of his way, at the beginning of the mission, to make sure he was okay. Spending time with him drinking in his sister’s memory.</p>
<p>But when Jon needed someone, Trip was too busy.</p>
<p>Trip has never been, what his momma would call a ‘homewrecker’, and he sure ain’t gonna start now.</p>
<p>He plans on pushing, as gently as possible, those two together.</p>
<p>Trip understands Jon’s reluctance, he doesn’t seem to know that T’Pol, shares the same feelings for him.</p>
<p>Trip also knows that Jon is the captain, and nothing is more important than that.</p>
<p>Trip has taken enough leadership classes and been around enough captains to know that at any time, the captain could very well have to order a crewmember to their death. In order to save the ship or complete the mission.</p>
<p>Granted it would kill Jon, and likely Jon would not order it, he’d try to do it himself.</p>
<p>With a deep sigh, he walked onto the turbolift, to head to sickbay.</p>
<p>-----------------------------</p>
<p>Trip entered sickbay, looking for Phlox.</p>
<p>“Ah commander, what can I do for you?”</p>
<p>“Yeah doc, I need another option to help me sleep at night…”</p>
<p>“What’s wrong with the current method?”</p>
<p>“Nothing, except it… well I just can’t do it anymore.” Trip couldn’t think of any reason that wouldn’t reveal personal information, that isn’t his to reveal.</p>
<p>“Is there something going on, with commander T’Pol?”</p>
<p>“No… I mean yes, I’m developing feelings for her, doc, that isn’t good.”</p>
<p>“Why not?”</p>
<p>“Well for one, doc she doesn’t feel the same way, and another she’s the first officer and my direct superior.”</p>
<p>“So?”</p>
<p>“It’s against the rules.”</p>
<p>“Okay, but surely a mission as dangerous as this, it’s expected for people to become close…”</p>
<p>“Doc… she doesn’t feel the same way about me.”</p>
<p>“What changed, just the other day, you told me that she seemed to start to enjoy the sessions?”</p>
<p>“I was wrong.”</p>
<p>Trip watched Phlox looking at him intently as if he could read his mind. “What’s really going on, commander?”</p>
<p>Trip without thinking, asked the question, he’d been thinking about on the way here. “Why didn’t you recommend Jon have those sessions? He needs sleep more than I do?”</p>
<p>“What brought that up?”</p>
<p>“Have you not noticed how much Jon has withdrawn from everyone?”</p>
<p>Trip could see Phlox stop and look down like he was looking inward.</p>
<p>“I see what you mean, however, why does that mean you have to stop the sessions?”</p>
<p>“Dammit doc, he loves her!” Trip stopped after he blurted it out. It was as much a surprise to him as it was to Phlox.</p>
<p>Trip felt his heart ache a little, after he’d said it, as it had sunk in.</p>
<p>Even when Trip had told Jon earlier, it didn’t sink in at the time, but now… Trip knows it’s true.</p>
<p>“Look doc, just forget I said anything. I’ll figure out another way to get sleep. I gotta go, my engines need me.” Trip needed to get away, to lick his wounds, and before he said anymore.</p>
<p>Trip made a hasty escape from sickbay and headed straight to engineering.</p>
<p>He did the one thing that always made him happy, he went to work on his engines. Making sure everything continued to run smoothly.</p>
<p>He finished some maintenance, on one of the subsystems, when he knows he can’t put it off any longer.</p>
<p>He stepped into his office and sent T’Pol a short message, about stopping the sessions. He decided not to say any more or give any reason. He’s sure she could figure it out, on her own.</p>
<p>It was less than 10 minutes later that he spotted T’Pol walk into engineering and look around.</p>
<p>For a few seconds, Trip felt happy, that maybe she’d gotten the message. And is here to tell him, she didn’t want to stop.</p>
<p>He walked towards her, she asked to speak to him in private.</p>
<p>He led her into his office, and he felt his happy feelings start to dissipate, when she stayed standing by the door. She seems to be holding herself even stiffer than normal.</p>
<p>“I need to inform you, that I can no longer perform Neuro-Pressure treatments on you.” T’Pol said suddenly and continued, before he could say anything. “I’ve noticed that as the treatments continued, you seem to be developing feelings for me. However, I’m the first officer and it’s not only against the rules, but also, I don’t…” T’Pol trailed off, but Trip had been around her long enough, to know she was going to say, she doesn’t have feelings for him.</p>
<p>Still he had to try, his earlier altruistic need to stop the sessions, were waylaid in his need to keep spending time with her. “Uh, the captain said, he wasn’t going to say anything, as long as we keep it out of the public...”</p>
<p>In an unusual move, T’Pol interrupted him. “Wait, you’ve discussed this with captain Archer?”</p>
<p>“Well, kind of, he told me that he’d known about our sessions, and how it was against the rules, but he was willing to look the other way…” Trip said silently thinking to himself, ‘as long as Jon didn’t have to see it and have to deal with it.’</p>
<p>“I see, however that doesn’t change anything. I apologize I cannot continue them…”</p>
<p>“That’s okay, I’m guessing you haven’t checked your messages lately. I sent one to you.”</p>
<p>He watched her pull a PADD out and look it up. She then looked up slightly confused, asking, “If you sent this before I showed up, why have you been trying, to make me continue?”</p>
<p>Trip looked down and with a deep sigh, “I didn’t want to stop, beyond just being able to sleep better. I enjoy what we do, and I thought maybe you were starting to as well.”</p>
<p>He saw her look away, wondering what it could mean, he asked.</p>
<p>“I admit the sessions, are somewhat enjoyable, but it’s not you…” she stopped, so Trip finished it for her.</p>
<p>“When you think about the sessions, it’s not me, you picture, but Jon.” Trip stated almost flatly.</p>
<p>Trip can’t recall ever seeing surprise on her face so clearly. “I understand T’Pol, I hope you get everything figured out.”</p>
<p>T’Pol started to reach for the door control, but stopped, adding, “Anyone can do those treatments… I hope you find someone that would be willing to do them with you.”</p>
<p>Trip bit his tongue, to keep from saying that it’s her, that he wanted the treatments from. However, he knows it’s not worth it. He nods sadly at her in thanks.</p>
<p>Trip watched her walk away, before she exited engineering he said, “Jon loves you, T’Pol.” He doesn’t know if she had heard it or not, but it doesn’t matter.</p>
<p>A few days later, his request for extra help had finally been answered. When a couple of MACOs that had engineering training, were sent to help.</p>
<p>He sent one with his second, and feeling a connection to this Amanda Cole, he decided to see what she knows.</p>
<p>---------------- (Phlox) ---------------</p>
<p>Phlox almost stumbled to his desk chair, after the captain left sickbay. Two thoughts kept running through his head as he sat down.</p>
<p>‘What have I done’, and ‘how did I miss so much.’</p>
<p>Phlox had not expected his day to go like this.</p>
<p>He’s been a doctor for many years, and has become quite accustomed to expecting the unexpected, especially on this ship and in this unpredictable and hostile part of space.</p>
<p>Not to mention how vital the mission is.</p>
<p>He’s thankful that Elizabeth had not requested another posting, like she’d been thinking about.</p>
<p>Although there are times, he almost wishes she had. So, she wouldn’t be here, in as much danger as the rest of the crew.</p>
<p>However selfish it may be.</p>
<p>However, it wasn’t mortal danger or even Elizabeth that shook Phlox today.</p>
<p>----------------- (Flashback) --------------</p>
<p>Phlox looked up from his never-ending paperwork when he heard the outer sickbay doors open. He peeked out to see a distraught commander Tucker walk in.</p>
<p>Putting on his best bedside manner, he walked out to greet him.</p>
<p>As he tried to find out, from Trip, why he can’t continue the treatments. He was let in on a couple of truths.</p>
<p>It would seem, that he still has more to learn, about humans. Despite having studied their behavior and lived with them for several years.</p>
<p>As much as he was surprised, by the confession from Trip, about his feelings and the captain’s feelings, for the same woman.</p>
<p>It was the innocent question about the captain, that had stopped him short.</p>
<p>He realized that he’d been neglecting his duties to the crew. He’d rarely seen the captain, or commander T’Pol for that fact, unless he asks for them, or they require a treatment of some sort.</p>
<p>Phlox went to his office to pull up the logs. He didn’t notice anything off when it came to the bridge logs, but when he checked the command center.</p>
<p>He’d been informed by a several different crewmembers of spotting the captain in there at night. He saw that there is a staggering number of hours logged in the command center.</p>
<p>Fearing the worst, he called Chef and made a few pointed inquiry’s, about the captain’s eating habits. What he’d been told shocked and worried him.</p>
<p>He made it a point to tell Chef, that if anyone else experiences, the same loss of appetite. He should be notified as soon as possible.</p>
<p>Phlox hopes, it’s not too late. He plans on making a few discreet inquiries with the staff. Primarily with the senior staff, about the captain’s behavior.</p>
<p>He recalled Elizabeth mentioning how the crew is worried about the captain. He himself had heard the ‘airlock archer’ nickname floating around.</p>
<p>He’s been around enough military organizations to know, that if there’s one nickname, there are others.</p>
<p>While Starfleet isn’t technically military, it’s close enough, and this mission is a military mission.</p>
<p>Armed with as much information as he could gather, for the moment. He could no longer put off, calling the captain down.</p>
<p>From the first moment Phlox spoke to Archer, he knew this would be a fight. He could tell that Archer is on the defensive.</p>
<p>So, it didn’t surprise Phlox too much, when Archer refused to join him in his office, to talk about it. Instead he kept one proverbial foot, out the door. By remaining out in sickbay.</p>
<p>It saddened, then scared Phlox, as they started talking.</p>
<p>Phlox has had to deal with commanding officers, that refuse to take medical advice, but he had always been proud that captain Archer wasn’t one of them.</p>
<p>Sure, he doesn’t like being treated, just like anyone else, but he’s always quick to make sure his people are taken care of.</p>
<p>That reminded Phlox of the number of times the captain, has been there for commander T’Pol and the reveal by Trip, of the depth of the captain’s feelings for her.</p>
<p>Phlox still remembers the conversation he’d had with the captain last year, about that very subject. It had slipped his mind, when this mission took over, and Phlox didn’t see any evidence of the captain continuing to harbor feelings for commander T’Pol, at first.</p>
<p>But he starts to recall events the last few months, the one crewmember that the captain seems to inquire about the most to him, was the commander.</p>
<p>Phlox had seen some signs, at the beginning of the mission, of the captain showing more care for her then other members of his crew.</p>
<p>Phlox wasn’t very surprised, that the captain figured out that Trip had spilled the beans, to use one of his expressions.</p>
<p>Phlox was a little… only a little… hearten, when he detected a hint of happy surprise, from the captain, when he mentioned it was several people that had been concerned about Archer.</p>
<p>Phlox has had to ask a lot of tough questions and answer even more, in his time as a doctor. So he recognizes how important it is, when Archer asks, if he can ask a question, as he puts it ‘in all honesty between you and I’, that worried him almost as much as the seeming lack of emotion from the captain.</p>
<p>Phlox did not expect that kind of question; if he felt he would have to remove the captain, from command, due to self-neglect… would his order be carried out?</p>
<p>Phlox is at a loss, he’s not sure, if he tried to remove the captain, that even Trip or T’Pol would help him. Trip is still loyal to his friend and captain. And Phlox has long ago, picked up, on how upset T’Pol is with him.</p>
<p>The point the captain had about Starfleet command not caring about the human cost, to the captain, and possibly the crew, as long as the mission is successful… struck Phlox particularly hard.</p>
<p>After Archer told him to forget about him and concentrate on his crew.</p>
<p>Phlox watched in muted shock as Archer just left.</p>
<p>----------------- (End Flashback) ------------------</p>
<p>Phlox has never worried about someone, more then he’s currently worried, about Jonathan Archer right now.</p>
<p>It’s not that the captain doesn’t care anymore, he knows, the issue is he still cares… too much, about the mission and his crew.</p>
<p>Just not himself.</p>
<p>Phlox knows that the captain is fully expecting to not comeback from this mission. But he’ll take on heaven and hell to keep his crew safe.</p>
<p>Unless it’s part of the mission.</p>
<p>Phlox has a lot to think about now, he can’t let the captain continue to think that way. If something happened to him, Phlox knows it would devastate the crew.</p>
<p>He’ll need more information now, but he has to be careful. He knows that the captain will be on his toes around him.</p>
<p>Phlox actually hopes that commander T’Pol shows up. However, given how much she’s been avoiding him as well. He fully expects not to see her.</p>
<p>He knows that of everyone on board, T’Pol would be his best bet to help the captain.</p>
<p>He’ll have to talk to Elizabeth about it, and see what he can do, to help them both.</p>
<p>He just hopes he can save the captain… from himself.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. T'Pol</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>First thing to know about this chapter is... "the bond remembers, even when the mind forgets."</p>
<p>Another thing to remember is... the author has taken several liberties with Katras and Souls... as well as the space time continuum. </p>
<p>Also by the end of this chapter, some readers might think the author has taken liberties with author's own common sense as well. ;-)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>--------------- (T’Pol) --------------</p>
<p>T’Pol stepped out of the captain’s bathroom, she’s still processing everything she heard Jonathan say, but she knows she can’t let him leave.</p>
<p>Not realizing she’d been reaching for him both mentally, as well as physically, she softly called out, “<em>Jonathan…</em>”</p>
<p>She watched him turn, with shock on his face, as he seems to stagger. “Commander, what are you doing here?”</p>
<p>She could hear how shocked he is, and worried.</p>
<p>“Jonathan…”</p>
<p>She watched his face close off, as he looked away, saying with some pain. “No, please don’t… don’t call me that, not now.”</p>
<p>“Why?” T’Pol is confused, she’d heard him say, he wanted her to call him, by his name.</p>
<p>“I, no, I don’t want you to just call me that, because you think I want that… it’s, worse.” Jon shook his head, “I’m leaving, please don’t be here when I get back.” He started to turn around and make his escape.</p>
<p>It’s all too much for him.</p>
<p>She could hear just how much he’s hurting; in fact, she can feel his pain.</p>
<p>She’s been feeling his emotions lately. She realized recently just how strong their bond seems to be.</p>
<p>“Sarah T’Mir Archer.” T’Pol said suddenly, before Jonathan could open the door.</p>
<p>Jon staggered, as he looked back, “What did you say?”</p>
<p>“Our daughter’s name… in that alternate reality.” She slowly moved closer to him, afraid if she moves to fast, he’ll run. “I’ve been having those dreams too, Jonathan. Our daughter, we named her after your mother and my foremother. I felt how happy you were that she had my ears.”</p>
<p>“I don’t… I don’t understand…” Jon said.</p>
<p>“Jonathan… please come sit down. We can figure it out.”</p>
<p>“I, I can’t, you shouldn’t be here. I told Trip… commander Tucker I wouldn’t…” Jon couldn’t deny her even as he said no, he moved back into the room.</p>
<p>“No, there is no commander Tucker and I, there never was. I told him today I won’t be doing the treatments anymore.”</p>
<p>“Why, I thought you…” Jon trailed off, he’s not sure what to think right now.</p>
<p>“Please, Jonathan sit down, we’ll get through this.”</p>
<p>“No, please don’t call me that… unless you mean it.”</p>
<p>It took her a couple of seconds to understand. He still thinks she’s calling him Jonathan, only because he wants her to.</p>
<p>She waited until he’s sitting on the bed.</p>
<p>She then did something she wouldn’t do, with anyone else. She softly cupped his face with her hands, tilting it up, so he can see her eyes.</p>
<p>As she stands in front of him, she softly told him, “Jonathan… I want to call you by your name. I had only been calling you captain, because I thought, I wasn’t allowed to call you Jonathan.”</p>
<p>She let down her mental shield and felt his own shield, she recognized the style of shielding is the one she’d been taught.</p>
<p>She knows that means at some point, in the alternate reality, she’d showed him how to shield.</p>
<p>It’s crude, and more instinctive then anything, but works well enough, to keep his emotions contained.</p>
<p>Yet another sign of how much he cares about her, knowing how strongly he’s feeling, he’s trying to protect her.</p>
<p>“Jonathan, let me in.” she asked softly.</p>
<p>“No, I can’t, my emotions…”</p>
<p>“I’m used to your emotions, please let me in.”</p>
<p>She softly caressed his cheeks, with her thumbs, as she felt his shield slowly come down. She can see him watching her, watching for the first sign, that she’s becoming overwhelmed, by his emotions.</p>
<p>She nearly drowned in his sorrow and pain, but she’d kept it from showing. She fought through it, to find the underlying warmth and love, she knew would be there.</p>
<p>She thinks she feels something else, but it’s to fleeting at the moment.</p>
<p>Still she softly said, “there you are.”</p>
<p>She didn’t even try to suppress the happiness she feels. She then showed him, her own warmth and love for him.</p>
<p>She felt and saw his surprise at her action. “Yes, Jonathan I feel the same way you do. I have for a long time.” She leaned down slightly, to kiss his forehead, “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, Ashayam. I cherish thee, my beloved.”</p>
<p>Then finally feeling at peace, and knowing Jonathan is starting to feel that way too. She recalled what led to this.</p>
<p>---------------- (Flashback) -----------------</p>
<p>T’Pol has noticed that lately the captain has started withdrawing from everyone. She’s seen him somewhat act like his old self during the shift.</p>
<p>She’s come to realized that’s his <em>captain</em> mask.</p>
<p>But he spends as much time in his ready room, or in the command center as he can, when on duty.</p>
<p>When he’s not on duty, he avoids her and commander Tucker. She can count on one hand the number of times the captain has had dinner with them lately, in the captain’s mess.</p>
<p>Something that was unheard of before.</p>
<p>And when they do dine, she can see he’s not comfortable, especially lately. She can see he’s trying to get away as soon as possible.</p>
<p>That realization caused her heartache. However illogical it may seem.</p>
<p>Another thing she’s noticed, he no longer calls her by her name. He uses her rank, only adding her name if he needs to distinguish between her and commander Tucker.</p>
<p>T’Pol is even more confused now than before. She’d grown to enjoy whenever the captain called her by her name.</p>
<p>She’d also against her logic, enjoyed when he would touch her shoulder or upper back.</p>
<p>His touch has for a while now, given her comfort and warmth.</p>
<p>Even though he rarely touches her bare skin, when he would put his hand on her shoulder, the Starfleet uniform is thin enough that she can feel some of his emotions.</p>
<p>Unlike her old uniform and her robes, that are thick enough she wouldn’t feel anything.</p>
<p>They are that way by design.</p>
<p>She misses it.</p>
<p>T’Pol had been trying to not let everything get to her. She has been getting more and more out of sorts as the mission continues.</p>
<p>Not to mention the Neuro-pressure that is <em>supposed</em> to help <em>both</em> of them, just ends up leaving her confused.</p>
<p>She knows she miscalculated, after she started taking the trillium D, she felt her own emotions closer to the surface.</p>
<p>Subconsciously she knew that the captain would be upset with her, if he knew. Even though she’d refused to see it at the time.</p>
<p>She had been thinking of commander Tucker’s developing feelings and his increasing desire for her, she can feel it whenever they do the sessions.</p>
<p>However, before she could think more about it. She and the captain had been walking down the corridor, when the ship ran into that spatial anomaly.</p>
<p>She for the first time in her life, felt panic and fear.</p>
<p>She should have been able to easily move that beam, but she couldn’t think straight.</p>
<p>Her actions or rather inactions, had almost cost her captain, his life.</p>
<p>That was when she started to realize, just how bad things were starting to get.</p>
<p>She started having a new dream that night. She dreamed she and the captain… Jonathan, ended up living together, when the mission failed.</p>
<p>She now knows what she needs to do.</p>
<p>She asked for and received permission, to take a few days to herself, from the captain.</p>
<p>She could feel how concerned he is for her. It warmed her to know that he’s still there.</p>
<p>She told commander Tucker that she would not be able to do the treatments for up to a week. He was also concerned about her, and as his friend, she’d been okay with that.</p>
<p>However, she had not been careful and commander Tucker is starting to think, there’s more to the sessions, then just the treatments.</p>
<p>It’s not logical, but she has really begun to regret agreeing to the treatments.</p>
<p>She has heard the rumors and seen how Jonathan has pulled away from her.</p>
<p>Ever since then, she’s not let Tucker, give her the treatment.</p>
<p>She is only continuing to do the treatments on commander Tucker, because the doctor had asked her.</p>
<p>Logically she can still understand the reasoning behind the treatments, few people on the ship need sleep more than the chief engineer, and for a time the first officer, when she had let him do the treatments on her.</p>
<p>However, she’s been around humans long enough and spent almost 15 years, including the alternate reality, with Jonathan, so she knows him.</p>
<p>She knows that regardless of the fact, that nothing has ever happen. The most Tucker has ever touched was her back.</p>
<p>It still hurts Jonathan.</p>
<p>She spent her time meditating and going as the humans would call it, ‘cold turkey,’ regarding the trillium.</p>
<p>At night she would find herself dreaming, of what she now realizes is an alternate reality.</p>
<p>The first time she felt herself pregnant, she was shocked.</p>
<p>She could feel everything her alternate self, felt. Including a mate’s bond with Jonathan.</p>
<p>She recalls going through Pon Farr with him. And despite the horror stories she had heard growing up, regarding the violence that it can cause, between two Vulcans. It was one of the most pleasurable experiences she’d ever had.</p>
<p>The joy from him when they found out, she was pregnant.</p>
<p>She recalls teaching him about her way of life.</p>
<p>Telling him things she would never have told any outsider, but as her bondmate he had a right, and in many cases, a need, to know.</p>
<p>She finds, she looks forward to those dreams.</p>
<p>One of her favorites is recalling when Phlox had assured Jonathan that their daughter would have her mother’s ears.</p>
<p>She was almost overwhelmed by his joy at that.</p>
<p>She found that as her body was weaned off the drug, her mental faculties became clear again. She hadn’t realized how much the trillium had messed with her mind.</p>
<p>She began to notice that if she concentrated, she could feel Jonathan.</p>
<p>That had surprised her, not only did the Vulcan science directorate, believe that humans were incapable of forming and maintaining a bond, but also the bond was in an alternate reality.</p>
<p>In this time and space, she and Jonathan had never created a bond, at least one this strong.</p>
<p>She had noticed before this mission, that she’d felt the bond that V’Lar had mentioned.</p>
<p>As the mission had progressed, she’d mourned when she felt it weakening, as Jonathan pulled away from her.</p>
<p>She has been clear of the trillium for almost two weeks now.</p>
<p>Her mind is clear, but she’s still having troubles meditating. She can’t seem to reach the deep state she needs to get the full benefits.</p>
<p>She’s too distracted by her concern for the captain, her unease about the continued treatments with commander Tucker. As well as how she’s dissatisfied with the way the doctor pushed this on to her.</p>
<p>Not to mention the different trials the ship and crew are going through to find the weapon and stop it.</p>
<p>She had continued to meditate as much as she can, in between reluctantly doing the treatments with Trip.</p>
<p>She finds that she has reluctantly begun to derive enjoyment, as long as she doesn’t think about <em>who</em> she is touching.</p>
<p>She partially blames the memories from the alternate reality.</p>
<p>In that alternate reality, she and Jonathan had a very hands-on relationship, and alternate her had no compulsion about enjoying Jonathan touching her.</p>
<p>Even though Jonathan is doing his best to avoid her, she can still see the decisions he’s had to make, are as the humans would say, ‘eating him alive’.</p>
<p>She finds herself growing a little upset with Trip and the doctor. They have not tried to talk to him.</p>
<p>She wants to, but this isn’t something she is familiar with.</p>
<p>She wouldn’t even know where to begin.</p>
<p>Finally, she’d had enough, she can’t stand to see Jonathan killing himself.</p>
<p>She decided to talk to him in his ready room and set about trying to figure out the best approach, to see if she can get through to him.</p>
<p>At least let him know she supports him, like they had both done for each other, so many times before.</p>
<p>She knew it would likely be pointless, as soon as she walked into his ready room. She can see he’s completely shut down.</p>
<p>Still she won’t give up now. She let him know, as best as she could, that she misses him, and what he’s doing that she misses.</p>
<p>She almost doesn’t recognize the man sitting in front of her.</p>
<p>This isn’t the man that took on her entire government, more than once, to keep her by his side.</p>
<p>This isn’t the man that has bravely stared down everything thrown at him and not blinked.</p>
<p>This isn’t the man she’d developed a deep bond of trust, respect, and friendship with, over the course of the last 3 years.</p>
<p>She can still see hints of the old him, peek through, but he’s been consumed by this mission.</p>
<p>She is well aware of how important this mission is. One of the reasons she resigned from the Vulcan high command, when they refused to let her go on the mission is, she knows how much her presence is needed on the ship.</p>
<p>The other reason is sitting right in front of her, hurting and not letting her in.</p>
<p>She had even mentioned commander Tucker to see if she would get a reaction.</p>
<p>It had, but not quite what she could understand.</p>
<p>As soon as she heard him mention lack of sleep, she jumped at the chance to help him.</p>
<p>But the way he shut her down… she wanted to cuss. It is as she had feared, he’d heard the rumors and instead of asking her, he assumed they were true.</p>
<p>She paused, she felt him mentally withdraw, she felt him do something mentally when he mentioned ‘private time’. She subtly reached out, and yes, there is a mental shield.</p>
<p>She doesn’t have time to look any farther at it for the moment.</p>
<p>She shakes herself mentally out of her thoughts, to see the captain looking at her concerned.</p>
<p>She told him honestly, about her lack of meditating having affected her.</p>
<p>She was heartened by his pushing her, to take the time, to make sure she’s okay.</p>
<p>Even if he’s not doing it for himself.</p>
<p>Even as the conversation ended, she finds herself wishing she’d known what to say to reach him. As it stands, the divide between them, is still as wide as it was before.</p>
<p>As she made her way back to her station, she mulls over the fact that Jonathan has a mental shield.</p>
<p>She’d never known a human to have one, nor had the captain ever had one before.</p>
<p>She’s at a loss, she feels trapped. She wants to stop the treatments, but can’t come up with a valid logical reason, that doesn’t reveal personal attachments. When the doctor would invariably get involved.</p>
<p>As much as she would like to use, commander Tucker’s developing feelings, as the reason. She would imagine the doctor, would simply say that the benefits outweigh the negatives, of her becoming the topic of conversation on the ship, and having to deal with Tucker’s feelings.</p>
<p>Then there is also what she could, or even <em>should</em> do, about Jonathan. She loves him, her memories of alternate her, revealed just what the humans call love.</p>
<p>Alternate her had felt it strongly, from alternate Jonathan. The feeling of warmth and comfort, alternate her had experienced, is the same she can feel from Jonathan.</p>
<p>And feels <em>for</em> him as well.</p>
<p>She felt her heart ache, because she knows that he is the captain and she is the first officer.</p>
<p>The same reason she plans to tell commander Tucker that his feelings are not appropriate. Apply to her and Jonathan as well.</p>
<p>Not to mention, the fact that she does not share commander Tucker’s feelings. In fact, she has never felt anything more than a friendship for Trip.</p>
<p>Her own feelings for her captain, make sense to her. They have been there for each other, so many times….</p>
<p>However, it’s all moot, this mission is too important to all of them, to let her feelings get in the way.</p>
<p>Still, she can’t help but think that something, is about to come to ahead.</p>
<p>As loathe as she is to admit it, she needs to talk to Trip this evening. He might have insight into the captain due to their long friendship.</p>
<p>She has no plans to do the treatments anymore.</p>
<p>She will have to remember to let commander Tucker know this evening, or should she wait until after she talks to him, about the captain.</p>
<p>There are times she misses having the ability to ask someone, usually Jonathan, or the doctor. She has at times been able to ask Ensign Sato, for the occasional advice, with success.</p>
<p>However, she is aware of how ship’s gossip works.</p>
<p>No, for everyone’s sake, she will have to try to figure it out on her own.</p>
<p>She set the problem to the back of her mind, as she continued to run sweeps with the ship’s sensors, looking for any problems.</p>
<p>The rest of the shift went without incident.</p>
<p>She’d asked the captain, if he would join her for lunch once again. She has noticed how much weight he’s lost, and she knows he’s missed many meals.</p>
<p>He doesn’t even bother to say he’s going to lunch anymore. She felt just a little hurt, when he politely declined, again.</p>
<p>However, shortly after she arrived, at the captain’s mess, commander Tucker showed up and she found her appetite had diminished somewhat itself.</p>
<p>Still, he is her friend, and her issues are not his fault. She will have to tell him that nothing will happen, soon.</p>
<p>At least he’s still smart enough to avoid public displays, that would have her saying something.</p>
<p>After her shift, she took the long way to her quarters, and stopped at the command center to see the captain once again engrossed in the information.</p>
<p>She wanted to join him, but she needs to get to her quarters, to meditate before commander Tucker shows up.</p>
<p>She reluctantly turned around and walked away. The captain unaware of her scrutiny.</p>
<p>------------------</p>
<p>She saw the look of disappointment in commander Tucker’s eyes, when he showed up at her door, she still has her uniform on.</p>
<p>She’d taken to wearing it lately, when he would come to do the treatments. In part to show him, that she will not be having him do the treatments to her, and to reinforce the notion to herself.</p>
<p>The other is that if someone saw him leaving her quarters, it would be better if she’s not in her nightwear.</p>
<p>That had fueled the rumors, quite a bit in the beginning.</p>
<p>She tried to ask Trip about how to approach the captain. However, he’d learned how to see through her questions and pushed until she, in a moment of weakness, told him about the conversation. And she couldn’t suppress how much she is worried about the captain.</p>
<p>She did see a look of concern, in Trip’s eyes after that. It was also telling that he didn’t put up any resistance, when she told him, she wasn’t in the right mindset to do the treatments.</p>
<p>She still couldn’t decipher the other look; she’d seen in his eyes. She could have put her hand on him and picked up the surface feelings, to try and figure it out.</p>
<p>But she couldn’t bring herself to do that.</p>
<p>After Trip left, she tried to meditate some more, and when she failed to once again reach the deep level she needed, to be as refreshed as she used to. She thought long and hard about going to find the captain so they could talk.</p>
<p>His mental shield and how closed off he is around her. The way he’s acting, it all concerns her greatly.</p>
<p>However, she decides to wait, she needs to sleep.</p>
<p>She changed and eventually fell into a fitful sleep, with dreams of her and Jonathan and their daughter.</p>
<p>There is a soft smile on her face, as she dreams of her family, in her sleep.</p>
<p>------------------------------</p>
<p>The next day was much like the last few. The captain was already on the bridge, when she arrived. The logs had once again shown her, he’d been there for at least an hour, before she showed up.</p>
<p>Yet another sign at just how little sleep he’s getting.</p>
<p>He stayed on the bridge longer then she expected today. He moved around to talk to the bridge crew to see how everyone is doing.</p>
<p>She, and as far as she can tell, the rest of the bridge crew can see how much the captain is forcing himself to do it. Knowing that is how he used to be… before the mission, and they all know he’s trying to show he’s still there.</p>
<p>She could see him avoiding looking at her, but they both know he’ll eventually have to go talk to her.</p>
<p>She suppresses the sigh she feels, at just how far apart they have drifted.</p>
<p>She can feel his emotions leaking around his shield. Now that she knows it’s there, some of the recent events make more sense.</p>
<p>She looked over when the turbolift opened, and commander Tucker walked out. She saw him smile at her, and she felt the captain mentally withdraw. She watched Tucker walk over and ask to speak to the captain, privately.</p>
<p>Now, she had no reason to think that the private conversation, commander Tucker wanted with the captain, had anything to do with her. Still she can’t help but feel concerned, and illogically a little worried. She’s worried that whatever the conversation they are about to have, will not help the captain and likely add to his stress.</p>
<p>She would have verbally sighed when the angry words from the captain’s ready room had reached her enhanced hearing. They are talking about the captain and his withdraw from everyone, and worse the rumors that had circulated about her and Tucker.</p>
<p>She now knows what the humans mean when they say, ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back.’</p>
<p>She didn’t want commander Tucker to confront the captain. He had only made it worse for all of them, not better.</p>
<p>As she understands it, it is a common practice for males to feel the urge to ‘protect’ their significant other.</p>
<p>She is neither his significant other, nor would she accept that kind of behavior, from anyone she would consent to be in a relationship with.</p>
<p>She heard nothing for a while, then she spotted commander Tucker walk out of the hall, to the ready room, and head across the bridge towards the turbolift.</p>
<p>She’s a little thankful that he didn’t stop to speak to her, or even give her more then a glance. She can see that the commander is concerned, perhaps even a little distressed, as she is.</p>
<p>However, the damage is done. She will go and speak to him during her lunch period. She can no longer ignore her own mental welfare.</p>
<p>As much as it would benefit commander Tucker for her to continue the treatments, they are not benefiting her, with the mental strain she’s under.</p>
<p>She will also confront the captain in private, and hope that, away from everyone else, and in a more personal setting, she can get through to him.</p>
<p>She can no longer continue to watch, someone she cares deeply for, waste away.</p>
<p>She might talk to the doctor, after a while, to see if they can convince the captain to let her do the treatments with him.</p>
<p>She knows from her dreams, that alternate her had shown alternate Jonathan, how to do the treatments. In fact, alternate her had shown alternate Jonathan a version that enhances the sexual pleasure between bondmates.</p>
<p>She had to suppress the blush at recalling how enthusiastic and proficient, alternate Jonathan became at the different kinds of Neuro-pressure.</p>
<p>It was because of her plan, that she didn’t invite the captain to lunch as usual. She, knowing him, as well as she did, heard the hurt he tried to hide.</p>
<p>If it wasn’t imperative to let commander Tucker know as soon as possible, so he may make other arrangements. She would change her mind, and as usual, ask him to lunch.</p>
<p>He might have agreed this time.</p>
<p>-------------------------------</p>
<p>She stopped to eat, knowing she would need the fuel for the coming events.</p>
<p>She was not surprised that commander Tucker did not show up in the captain’s mess as he usually does.</p>
<p>To which she can honestly say she’s thankful for. She’s still trying to figure out how to tell him.</p>
<p>She headed straight to engineering, as soon as she finished her food.</p>
<p>She saw a look of happiness show on commander Tucker’s face, when she spotted him.</p>
<p>She’s not sure why. Surely, he should know how displeased, she is with his interference.</p>
<p>However, as they went to his office, she could see his happiness, start to fade away.</p>
<p>She felt slightly guilty, his growing feelings aside, it isn’t his fault that she doesn’t return them and the fact that she is his direct superior.</p>
<p>She was genuinely confused, as to why he had tried to convince her to continue the treatments, if he’d already told her via a short message, he was going to end them.</p>
<p>When she couldn’t hide her guilt, when he told her about how he’d known she was starting to enjoy the sessions. She had tried to avoid telling him, in part to spare his feelings.</p>
<p>However, as a testament to how well commander Tucker seems to know her. He was able to deduce that her enjoyment came when she couldn’t help but imagine the captain… Jonathan doing the touching.</p>
<p>As she left, she faintly heard commander Tucker say that her captain loves her. She mulled that thought over as she headed back to the bridge.</p>
<p>Once more confused, not about the captain’s feelings, but that commander Tucker seem to pick up on them.</p>
<p>Also, if commander Tucker is aware of them, why did he insist on continuing the treatments that he knows hurts his friend.</p>
<p>As she reached her station and checked with the bridge crew, that everything is still proceeding as normal, she decided that she will never understand commander Tucker’s reasoning for it.</p>
<p>Within an hour, the captain came to the bridge. As he walked towards the turbolift, he told her that he’d been called to sickbay.</p>
<p>She’s a little surprised at that, she knows that like her, the captain has been avoiding the doctor as much as possible.</p>
<p>Even though she has been considering talking to the doctor herself, about her concerns for the captain. In this instance the doctor can override him.</p>
<p>However, she feels that unless something drastic happens, the captain will take it as a personal affront, to go behind his back, to tell the doctor.</p>
<p>Both she and Jonathan are private people. As such they wouldn’t appreciate anyone, doing what the humans would call ‘sticking their nose in someone else’s business’.</p>
<p>She finds human idioms both staggering in number, and colorful in description.</p>
<p>Not long after the captain walked by, she felt a wave of hurt and longing batter her mental shield, just a few seconds, before it vanished.</p>
<p>She could only speculate that Jonathan’s feelings had overwhelmed his shield for a brief moment, until he regained control.</p>
<p>About 30 minutes later, T’Pol heard the call go to ensign Sato from the captain. However even if she hadn’t it would be easy to know. The younger ensign, like the rest of the bridge crew have started adapting a certain look, when any of them talk to the captain, a mix of pain and sadness. They can all see he’s hurting, no matter how much he tries to hide it.</p>
<p>“Ensign, what did the captain want?” T’Pol asked dispassionately. Technically they all know the call should have gone to her, as the first officer.</p>
<p>“He said he would be in the command center and asked that if I have time to walk Porthos later.” Hoshi said, resigned.</p>
<p>They all know it’s not the first time or even the tenth time he’s done that.</p>
<p>Knowing that would work well, in her plan to get the captain alone, in a more private setting. She said, “Ensign, I will take care of it.”</p>
<p>Hoshi asked, “you’re not spending the evening with commander Tucker?” T’Pol could hear the surprise in her voice.</p>
<p>She then saw the wince that the ensign made. “I’m sorry ma’am, that’s none of my business.”</p>
<p>T’Pol felt a flash of irritation that she suppressed. “I understand that this is a small ship, and people will talk about other people’s business. However, I would like to know who knows about that?” She watched the entire bridge staff put their hands up.</p>
<p>“I see, thank you for letting me know.” T’Pol at somewhat of a loss, turn to look down at her station.</p>
<p>She could see out of the corner of her eyes, the rest of the bridge crew, that really don’t have much happening right now. They seem to be trying to communicate with each other, without talking.</p>
<p>T’Pol has the illogical urge to show her irritation, by looking at them, and asking if it would be easier, for them to gossip, if she left the bridge.</p>
<p>She knows they are likely trying to communicate about her, and commander Tucker.</p>
<p>It’s not outside the realm of possibility, that the captain is also included.</p>
<p>T’Pol is once again displeased about being as her human shipmates would call, ‘the center of attention’. Unlike commander Tucker she does not desire it.</p>
<p>The fact that the entire bridge crew, is aware of her personal business, means most of the ship is as well. She values discretion over most things.</p>
<p>She has to let it go. She has a more important mission for herself tonight.</p>
<p>The rest of the shift went once again without incident.</p>
<p>She then headed to her quarters to meditate.</p>
<p>She finds that for the first time, in quite a while, she has an easier time. She is able to reach the deep state she needs, to refresh herself.</p>
<p>She almost spent too long, in meditation.</p>
<p>She went to eat and inquired with the Chef about the captain’s eating habits. He told her that the captain had ordered his dinner a few hours ago.</p>
<p>She ate a quick meal, then headed to the captain’s quarters.</p>
<p>She just stood for a few minutes, in the middle of his quarters.</p>
<p>She let her mental shield down, to feel his presence in the room. This is where she can best feel him. His scent is all around her. The items that make him who he is, are within eyesight.</p>
<p>She shakes herself out of the meditative state, she found herself in.</p>
<p>She rounded up Porthos, who has learned to sit quietly near her, and wait.</p>
<p>She took him on a long walk. She avoided the area around sickbay and commander Tucker’s quarters.</p>
<p>She let Porthos spend extra time running around in the hydroponics bay.</p>
<p>Eventually she took him back, to the captain’s quarters.</p>
<p>She finds that the quarters are still empty, and it would seem, that he’s not shown up yet, this evening.</p>
<p>She is indecisive on what to do.</p>
<p>She can either wait until he shows up, which could throw him off and put him on the defensive.</p>
<p>Or she could go back to her quarters, and wait until later, to come back.</p>
<p>She decides that she will use the restroom. As illogical as it seems, as her own quarters are only a short walk down the hall.</p>
<p>She isn’t ready to leave his quarters yet.</p>
<p>She had completed her business when she heard the door open. Then she heard the captain’s voice sounding tired, speaking to Porthos.</p>
<p>She felt a little embarrassed at being caught in his bathroom.</p>
<p>Even if it’s somewhat innocent, but before she could figure out, what she would say to him. She heard him start a personal log.</p>
<p>As soon as she realized how personal Jonathan’s log is, she becomes even more indecisive.</p>
<p>While this could be a good way for her to figure out, what is going on with the captain, and she might also be able to figure out a way to help him.</p>
<p>She also knows the captain is as private a person as she is, and if someone, even Jonathan, had been listening to her private thoughts, she would be upset.</p>
<p>She decides to wait and see what she can learn.</p>
<p>She knows that one way or the other, she’s likely to be caught. If the captain gets ready for bed, he’ll come into the bathroom and see her.</p>
<p>As she hears him speak, she can’t help but feel his pain, and had she not been able to successfully meditate tonight. She’d likely have cried several times; at the pain she can hear, in his voice.</p>
<p>As it stands, she suppresses her emotions, so she won’t miss anything he is saying.</p>
<p>She had to work hard to suppress her joy, at hearing him state his love for her. It was tempered, by the pain and anguish, she can hear under everything he’s saying.</p>
<p>She feels guilty at how much, even<em> she’s</em> missed, regarding how bad the captain has gotten.</p>
<p>When the captain revealed how he had found out about the sessions, and commander Tucker’s developing feelings.</p>
<p>She had a flash of irritation, at how casually the commander had been discussing her business, with Mr. Reed, a member of the bridge crew, someone that she works with every day, as well as being his superior officer.</p>
<p>She almost wasn’t able to suppress her joy, when he talked about having the same dreams of their alternate reality life, as she has.</p>
<p>Even if it seems to be a source of misery for him, while for her, it’s an illogical source of joy.</p>
<p>She thought to herself, ‘I <em>want</em> to call you Jonathan. I didn’t know I could. You are <em>my</em> captain; you have been, for quite some time now.’</p>
<p>It is interesting, to hear his side of their conversation, from the other day.</p>
<p>She hadn’t realized that commander Tucker had been flirting with her, when he was on the bridge.</p>
<p>If she had, she would have ordered him to stop.</p>
<p>She listens as he spoke of the discussion, he and commander Tucker had yesterday. She got to hear the rest of it, since she could only hear their raised voices for part of it.</p>
<p>She didn’t let herself react, when he spoke of ignoring, what he thinks, they are doing during the sessions; she’ll react to it later.</p>
<p>She felt her heart ache at the hopelessness of his words, when he described that he couldn’t bring himself to deny having feelings for her, but couldn’t stand in the way, thinking she was happy with commander Tucker.</p>
<p>She couldn’t take it anymore, she silently put her hand on the door, that is nearby where he’s sitting. She dropped her shield slightly and could feel his emotions still leaking around his shield.</p>
<p>She both loves and loathes Jonathan’s self-sacrificing habits. It makes him a good man, but it’s denying them both, of what they could have.</p>
<p>Even if he doesn’t seem to know how she feels about him, as well as the fact that he is unaware that she is not, in any kind of relationship with commander Tucker.</p>
<p>Because he’s avoiding her, and she’s not been doing her duty, as his first officer, to make sure her captain is at his best.</p>
<p>She wonders why commander Tucker went to Phlox. That doesn’t seem like him, to inform the doctor.</p>
<p>She feels a little relieved, that Jonathan knows it wasn’t her, that informed the doctor.</p>
<p>As she heard him talk, about his conversation with the doctor, she felt horrified, at how bad off Jonathan is mentally.</p>
<p>She can’t help but think, ‘<em>No, Jonathan, please, don’t give up. Enterprise and her crew need you… your first officer needs her captain… I need my mate, my Ashayam.</em>’</p>
<p>She then thought, ‘<em>Oh Jonathan, I have missed you to. Please come back to me.</em>’</p>
<p>As Jonathan finished then deleted the log. She finds herself no closer to figuring out what to say to him, that would help ease his burden, and let her in.</p>
<p>She heard him tell Porthos he’s going to head back, to the command center.</p>
<p>She is indecisive once more, on the one hand, he won’t have caught her, and she could go to her quarters, and meditate about the information she’d learned, to hopefully figure out how to best reach him.</p>
<p>But on the other, she can’t let him continue to slowly kill himself.</p>
<p>She finds herself opening the door, before she even fully realizes it, and reaching out both through their bond and physically, she calls to him.</p>
<p>--------------- (End Flashback) --------------</p>
<p>T’Pol had been showing Jonathan most of her memories of the last few days. It lets her have both a physical and mental touch with her captain.</p>
<p>Jonathan who after recalling the basics of a mental shield worked on putting one up. He wanted to protect both T’Pol from his emotions and himself from her picking up on his feelings.</p>
<p>However, as she showed him her memories, they both felt the bond between them, flourish and grow deeper.</p>
<p>In the middle of her showing him everything, he’d closed his eyes.</p>
<p>After she finished, he found that he’d rested his head on her stomach, and she was holding him to her, while she stroked his hair.</p>
<p>He had never known her to be this open and couldn’t hide his surprise.</p>
<p>She looked at him and said, “Jonathan, you know that Vulcans have emotions. The only time it’s acceptable for us, to be free to show them, is with our bondmates. So, while it may seem strange to see me react this way. It’s not as uncommon for Vulcans as you might think.</p>
<p>“Okay, but still, T’Pol we can’t… I’m the captain and you’re the first officer…”</p>
<p>“Jonathan, if you were willing to ignore the rule for… other couples, why not for us?”</p>
<p>“…” Jonathan couldn’t think of a valid reason. He knows that for both of them, their sense of duty is strong enough, that if either of them should have to make the ultimate call, they would.</p>
<p>It would kill them afterwards, but they would do it.</p>
<p>T’Pol knows they can’t fix his problems, in one night.</p>
<p>In fact, she’s sure they will have to have a lot of conversations, in the near future. Before they are both satisfied that a relationship between them, can work. “Jonathan, we have plenty of time to talk about everything, it doesn’t have to be right now.”</p>
<p>Jonathan actually felt relieved, when she said that. He’d been worried about trying to get it all resolved tonight.</p>
<p>T’Pol watched and felt Jonathan agree, with her assessment. She then decided to let him know of her plan.</p>
<p>“Now, as both your first officer and your mate… we are going to take care of you.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“I noticed long ago, how you have been skipping meals and losing sleep. Long before you mentioned it.”</p>
<p>That reminded Jonathan of the fact that she had been here, the whole time.</p>
<p>He felt a little bit indignant and upset, that she’d spied on him. “What were you doing, in my bathroom?”</p>
<p>T’Pol had been waiting for that question. She sat down next to him on the bed. “I had planned to confront you tonight, in a private setting, to make you stop killing yourself. I had no idea you would have made such a personal log. I’m sorry about hearing it, but at the same time, I’m not. I needed to know just how bad things had gotten.” She reached up to caress his cheek. “Jonathan, you are necessary to me, I do not want to lose you.”</p>
<p>Jonathan wanted to hold on to his anger, but he can’t against her words, and the feelings behind it, that he can feel through their bond. “What about you? You have been having troubles meditating.”</p>
<p>“I was, but after I told commander Tucker, I can no longer do the treatments, I was able to meditate fully this evening. However, this mission will be difficult for both of us. So, I suggest we support each other. Like we have always done before.”</p>
<p>“So, you really are not, in any kind of relationship with Trip?”</p>
<p>“Jonathan, the bond doesn’t lie. I have never felt anything more for him, than friendship. You are my bondmate. You are my ashayam.”</p>
<p>“I don’t understand how I could be recalling events, from an alternate timeline.” Jonathan said, finally giving voice to the question he’s had for the last few months. Their memories seem to go counter to everything they know about alternate reality.</p>
<p>Which is admittedly not much.</p>
<p>“I’m not completely sure myself, I believe the bond we shared in that timeline, has something to do with it.</p>
<p>“Adun’a….” Jonathan said softly as a memory crossed his mind.</p>
<p>T’Pol felt a wave of warmth and love wash over her when she heard. She said back. “Adun.”</p>
<p>“That means husband, and I said wife, right?” Jonathan said as fragments of memories pop up.</p>
<p>“Yes.” She answered softly.</p>
<p>She can see he’s tired, and figures this would be a good time, to start taking care of her captain. “Jonathan, you and I are taking tomorrow off. You and I both need the rest.”</p>
<p>Jonathan didn’t give into his first urge, to grow angry at being ordered around. He opted to take the humorous route, “Is that the first officer or bondmate’s order?”</p>
<p>“Yes, in this instance, both my captain and my bondmate needs his sleep.” T’Pol said, she had been sending calming feelings, to him, through their bond.</p>
<p>She knows he could become unhappy, if she pushes to hard.</p>
<p>She reaches over to push the intercom button. “Commander T’Pol to doctor Phlox.”</p>
<p>She felt Jonathan’s worry about what she’s doing, so she sent him reassuring thoughts, to help him relax. “Phlox here.”</p>
<p>“Doctor, can I count on your discretion, when I tell you that the captain and I, will be taking tomorrow off?”</p>
<p>“Of course, would you like me to contact commander Tucker, and let him know he will be in charge?”</p>
<p>“That would be agreeable… has he spoken to you?” T’Pol asked.</p>
<p>“Yes, he stopped by late this morning, to inform me of the change. That is when he slipped up about the captain. Am I correct in assuming the captain is with you?”</p>
<p>Jonathan nodded when she looked at him. “Yes, doctor he is.”</p>
<p>“Ah, captain, first let me say that it wasn’t commander Tucker’s intention to reveal, what I should have seen for myself anyway. Second, I’m sorry I missed so much. I am hopeful, that my fears have been alleviated.”</p>
<p>“I understand doctor. I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”</p>
<p>“I completely understand. However, I would like to see you sometime tomorrow. Since I’ve been made aware of how far things have gone. I need to do my duty. I want to give you a checkup, we can then discuss, how to get you back to your old self.”</p>
<p>“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jonathan said, he could feel through their bond, that she was going to make him go, whether he wanted to or not.</p>
<p>Phlox couldn’t keep the surprise out of his voice, as he bid them goodnight. He suspects that commander T’Pol had a hand, in the quick agreement from the captain.</p>
<p>He breathes a sigh of relieve, he isn’t as worried about the captain and first officer now.</p>
<p>-----------------------------------</p>
<p>T’Pol feeling her own relieve, rested her forehead lightly on his temple as she said, “thank you Jonathan, I know you didn’t want to do it, but it will make me feel better.”</p>
<p>He put his arm around her, he felt and heard her sigh of relieve, as she relaxed against him. “I understand, I can’t promise I’ll be this understanding, all the time, but I know just how far I’ve fallen.”</p>
<p>“Jonathan, your katra… soul is not darkened. I don’t sense any darkness in you. The fact that you have been agonizing over those decisions is proof of that.”</p>
<p>Jonathan still processing, what she’d told him. Looked at the clock seeing how late it is. He turned back to her, getting ready to say, she should head to her own quarters.</p>
<p>T’Pol knowing what he’s about to say, shakes her head no. “I’m staying, you need sleep and we both know that alternate you, used to sleep better with alternate me, by your side.”</p>
<p>T’Pol happy to be able to touch Jonathan, caressed his cheek and said with a little amusement, “Something tells me, that hasn’t changed.”</p>
<p>“Maybe, but if anyone sees you leaving my quarters, any later than it already is, they will talk.”</p>
<p>I’m not planning on leaving, until the morning. As much as I dislike the attention. <em>My</em> captain needs his sleep, more than my discomfort.</p>
<p>“…” Jon’s trying to come up with a valid reason, but in all honesty, he wants her to stay. He hasn’t felt this calm in months.</p>
<p>T’Pol knows she has him almost ready to give in, adds one more thing. “I believe I once told you, <em>the safety of this ship depends on her captain being it his most effective.</em>” As she moves just a little closer, to him.</p>
<p>She softly tells him, “please, Jonathan go get ready for bed.”</p>
<p>Jon, to tired and at peace to argue, just nods and takes his usual nightwear. He heads to the bathroom to take a shower.</p>
<p>As soon as she hears the shower come on, she feels a bit of arousal. She recalls just how much of a wonderful lover alternate Jonathan was.</p>
<p>The alternate her, had grown to really enjoy, when they made love.</p>
<p>She wonders what it would be like this time around, now that he doesn’t forget every day.</p>
<p>She hears him sing in the shower, she mentally smiles at that.</p>
<p>Something so human about it.</p>
<p>She thinks about going to her quarters, to get her own sleepwear, but she’s very aware of how sensual she looks, to humans, in those silk pajamas.</p>
<p>Jonathan has always been better at hiding his desire, the few times he’d stopped by her quarters. For whatever reason and seen them.</p>
<p>But she had sensed it, like it was just under his skin.</p>
<p>One thing the alternate her never really did, was teach him how to hide his desire for her.</p>
<p>She believes that alternate her, enjoyed just how much he desired her.</p>
<p>Not just her body, but her mind as well.</p>
<p>She’s fine in the clothes she’s wearing for tonight.</p>
<p>However, if she decides to do this tomorrow, she will get ready for bed.</p>
<p>Rumors or not.</p>
<p>Jonathan came out of the bathroom a little later, dressed for bed.</p>
<p>At first, when they climbed into bed, it was weird to be laying by each other.</p>
<p>She suppressed her amusement, thinking about how Jonathan is in fact, the only man, she’s ever laid with.</p>
<p>From their time at P’Jem and being very <em>intimately</em> tied together at Coridan, just to name a couple of times.</p>
<p>Soon they are holding each other close.</p>
<p>Not long after, Jonathan fell asleep, far faster than he has in months. With T’Pol’s warm presence in the back of his mind, something he never thought he would get used to.</p>
<p>Yet now that it’s back, he finds he had been missing it.</p>
<p>T’Pol held Jonathan close, as they laid in his bed.</p>
<p>They are both fully clothed. But she has never felt this close, to anyone.</p>
<p>She watches him sleep, knowing just how badly he needs it.</p>
<p>She strokes his hair, as he holds her tightly. She can tell, he’s subconsciously afraid she’ll disappear, if he lets go.</p>
<p>After she fell asleep herself, she picked up on Jonathan growing agitated, in his sleep, through their bond.</p>
<p>That woke her up. She let her shield down, joining his mind, to help ease his suffering.</p>
<p>He’s having the Vulcan nightmare.</p>
<p>He’s trying to reach her on the ship but can’t. He knows that the longer the dream her is there, the worse she gets.</p>
<p>She draws her energy around them, and breaks him out, of this dream.</p>
<p>She decides to give them both a better dream.</p>
<p>She finds a memory she has of them, in the alternate reality. Near the end, when Sarah was 4.</p>
<p>They had just celebrated Sarah’s birthday.</p>
<p>She felt Jonathan calm down quickly, and began looking around, for Sarah.</p>
<p>Suddenly they saw her, and she leaped into Jonathan’s arms.</p>
<p>“Daddy, I missed you.”</p>
<p>Both T’Pol and Jonathan are a little confused, this isn’t how the memory went.</p>
<p>“Sarah?” Jonathan asked.</p>
<p>“Yes daddy? Oh sorry, I was asleep for a while. I’m not a memory, it’s really me. I was asleep in you and mother.”</p>
<p>“Wait, what? How?” Jonathan asked, he’s just as confused as he could feel T’Pol is.</p>
<p>“Daddy, you are the one that taught me, about the first rule of thermodynamics.” Sarah said, as she snuggled into her daddy’s arms.</p>
<p>It had been a while, since she had been able to do it.</p>
<p>“Energy is neither created nor destroyed…” Jonathan said, as he put it together. “So, your Katra, which is energy, hitched a ride with your mother and I?”</p>
<p>“I believe so, all I know is I felt incomplete, until you two where together, in your dreams, then I was able to find the rest of me.”</p>
<p>“Oh, so, are you okay honey?”</p>
<p>With a very human smile she nods and says, “of course daddy. I’m with you and mother.” Like that’s all that matters.</p>
<p>Both T’Pol and Jonathan are once again at a loss for how that is possible.</p>
<p>However, their daughter is with them. Jonathan doesn’t want to look at it to deeply.</p>
<p>He’s just happy to have their daughter, in whatever form she’s in.</p>
<p>T’Pol couldn’t agree more, with what Jonathan is thinking.</p>
<p>All three fell back to sleep, with Sarah safely wrapped in her parent’s Katra and soul.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I have started an epilogue chapter that deals with our favorite stowaway and her family and some of the events they experience during the rest of season 3 and season 4. </p>
<p>However I leave it up to you dear readers, if you would like me to post it or not.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>planning on 3 chapters.</p><p>Not totally sold on the title and wouldn't mind any thoughts you all have on better titles.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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